I only updated xanga like three times last year.  Idk even why I'm updating now, except that I don't want to clean my apartment, and I'm thoroughly depressed.  I'll get over it.  I only feel like this a few days out of the year now, as opposed to like every other day.  If I wait it out, I'll feel great tomorrow, more likely than not.

My depression is triggered by the fact that I just watched Bridget Jones's Diary.  I'd seen parts of it before, but it seemed like a good idea to watch it today.  It was on Netflix instant movies, so I figured, why not.  It seemed to be a perfect movie for today, because it started out with the New Year and New Year's resolutions, and I was like, oh good!  A new year's flick. 

It only really served as a reminder that I am single and alone.  Lol.  I usually don't mind.  I talk to all my friends who can't get a moment's peace because of their kids and I think, oh, I've got it good!  And I do.  I've got a lot of blessings.  But I watch a dramatic representation of a single person's life and just feel crappy.  I'm not as messed up as Bridget Jones.  I don't smoke.  I don't drink.  She was already in her 30's and I'm still hanging on to my 20's by a very thin thread.  I do find it rather insulting that she was considered so overweight since she tipped the scales around 140.  It's my goal to be about 140...and I've gotta lose a considerable amount of weight to get there.  And I consider myself definitely overweight, but not grossly obese or anything.  I think I'd be at a healthy, normal looking weight at 130-140.  Someone needs to strap Barbie to some fireworks and blow her up.  That's what I'll do next New Year's Eve.  Hooray!

I don't even understand how people become involved in romantic relationships, apparently.  There must be some kind of trick to it that I haven't mastered.  I was unpopular and even ugly my early years of high school.  After figuring out how to fix my hair and getting a pair of contact lenses, I was actually pretty attractive, but by that time, I'd already been labeled in high school.  In my first college, most of the guys I knew were not datable--and because of all the self-esteem problems I'd brought with me from being unpopular in high school, I'd missed a few of the cues guys had given me that they were interested.  I had a couple of them tell me years later that they were interested, and I was oblivious.  In my second college, I was pretty much off the market, because I was basically already in love with this guy.  We almost dated several times before finally dating, and then I was dumped right before graduation.

I honestly don't think anyone has been interested in me since.  That was almost five years ago.  I might just be oblivious to the cues again, but if anyone has wanted to make a move, they certainly haven't made it clear to me.  Not that I really want to date anyone around here, anyway...it's just I don't even know how it's done. 

I work with kids, which means I work with females.  That's one thing.  There's no on the job possibilities.  I don't go out and "have fun" at bars or clubs or anything, because I'm not the sort of person at all who would enjoy that kind of thing.  I really don't understand why anyone would.  The only thing I do outside of work really is go to church, and there are a few single guys there.  None of them have expressed interest in me, nor am I interested in any of them.  It's kind of like I'm stuck without any possibilities of dating. 

Maybe it's supposed to be that way.  Maybe that's an answer to my prayers.  I really think it might be.  After my last (and only) romantic encounter, my prayer was that if God wanted me to remain single, that He wouldn't bring anyone else into my life as to tempt me.  So maybe that's what's going on, and if it is, praise the Lord.  I've got so much going on in my life that most days, I really don't miss having romance in my life.  It's just sometimes I sit and wonder what must be wrong with me that no one would ever want to share their life with me.  And by no one, I usually mean the one guy that I loved.  Rejection is a really hard thing to get over.  Nearly five years later, and I'm pretty sure this is as close to "over it" as I'm going to get.

I'm not desperate at all.  Dating sites are ridiculous--even the ones that claim to be more than just dating sites.  People have used them and found happiness and love and all of that.  I just don't see myself ever going that route.  If God wants me married, I will be.  Right now, there's a lot of work for me to do, and I'm going to do it.

And tomorrow, more likely than not, this depression will be gone and I'm going to feel just great.

Right now, it does kind of suck a whole lot.

Update

I haven't blogged here since March.  If you aren't friends with me on facebook, chances are you'll never know anything about me.  Here's an update just in case you're one of the people who never gets on facebook and actually knows me from here.  I doubt there's anyone who fits into that category, but ok.  I'll blog here anyway tonight.

The biggest news in my life is that I'm hopefully going to finally start looking for literary agents by Dec or Jan.  I've got a friend editing my book, and then I'm going to retype it, have two more people check the FINAL draft.  Make minor changes, if neccesary, and then... 

Uncharted territory for me.  Yeah.  Query letters and agents and SASEs!  OH MY!

Work is going well.  Can you believe I'm actually ENJOYING, LOVING RTK?  A year ago I wanted to leave so badly, and now it's just awesome.  The staff is amazing; the kids are awesome.  I love it.  I'm working day shifts now, mostly, which helps a lot. 

I was basically only working about 20-30 hours a week, though.  Since August, I have only had that one job.  Finances were getting very slim, despite the fact that God was providing for me through baby sitting jobs and the like.  It got really bad this past Thursday, when I threw myself a pity party.  I realized I was not going to be able to pay my bills, let alone eat, on my current salary. 

Well, the family I used to nanny for called me up on Friday.  The dad got a new job (after being unemployed since August), and they want me back to work a few afternoons a week.  Awesome!!  I'm going to be able to eat!  I'm going to be able to pay my bills!  I'm going to be able to afford some kind of Christmas.  Before this, I wasn't sure if I was even going to be able to go home for Christmas!  That would have been a major, MAJOR, grump.

Oooh!  New news on the writing front, too!  Actually, it's old news.  I just haven't posted here in months.  It's a bit of a long story...  In May of this year, I went to see a dude named Mitch McVicker play.  He was a friend of Rich Mullins--he was actually in the car wreck that killed Rich Mullins.  Well, we basically went to this coffee house where he was playing, and it was so awesome.  I fell in love with this song "Stargazer."  It's my new theme song.  The quality of the video isn't too great, so you can find the cd recording of the song here, but the video is kinda cheezy (unless you're a fan of final fantasy, which I'm not).  Anyway, the coffeehouse version is pretty cool b/c he uses random objects and loops them for percussion.  He did that at the coffee house I went to, too.  Anyway, I bought the cd that has the Stargazer song on it, and I was also eyeing a cd called "Canticle of the Plains" which was a project Mullins worked on with McVicker and several others.  I could only afford one.  When I bought one cd, he handed me the other and said, "We're running a two for one special."  Super nice guy.  Anyway, I had (and still have) both cds in my car's cd changer.  I kept listening to them, and two songs stood way out.  Stargazer, first of all, and a song from Canticle called "Love as Strong."  It's taken from Song of Solomon. 

Anyway, I'd had this story idea floating in the back of my mind for a little over a year.  It was a silly idea, or so I thought.  I didn't think I"d ever do anything with it.  But about the time I went to hear McVicker, I also had a dream.  And the dream fit in with the story.  That dream, the original story idea, combined with the two songs, just became this story inside my head.  I had to do something with it, so I started writing a serial novel on facebook.  I have the notes privated, but anyone who wants to read them just needs to ask me so I can put them on a reading list.  I'm already working on chapter 17.  It's a little over halfway finished, and I've only been working on it since May.  I'm thinking I could be done with it in less than a year.  That's really weird to me, because my first novel took me EIGHT years to write.  It's a great story.  I'm really proud of it. 

And by the way, the second video I posted with the final fantasy characters is kinda weird in that the two main characters in my book could fit the physical descriptions of the boy and girl in the video.  Idk...it's interesting.

Well, I don't have much else to write.  Life is pretty good.  I'm really super involved with church--loving singing in the choir and occasionally doing children's stuff.  I don't like doing that too often b/c I work with kids all the time. 

My relationship with God is still a little shaky, but getting better.  I have such trust issues; He's been providing, and I've been whining.  Idk when I'll ever learn.  Something tells me I will...because God is faithful.

Yeah, that's all for now.  Until I update again, whenver that will be...

Ah, over 2 months without a xanga entry.

I must admit, facebook and icanhascheezburger have taken over my interwebs.

Some news for anyone out there who only knows me from xanga, if you care...

I do have a laptop to use now.  My dear friend Hope has one, and she never uses it, so she lent it to me so I can write.  I'm trying to get things edited down and printed out in a hard copy form for my roommate to read.  I want this done by my birthday...which is in about a week and a half.  Crunch time.

In other news, my grandmother died last month.  It's not too bad.  I worry about my granddad and the rest of my family, but I'm coping ok.  We knew it was coming sooner or later.  I'm glad my grandma isn't hurting anymore. 

I also broke my car this week.  I bumped my right sideview mirror into a trashcan that was braced against a garage door frame.  The mirror came off, breaking several wires.  I have to get it fixed on Tuesday, if possible.  That's when my mechanic is looking at it.  IT's not just cosmetic reasons or whatever.  When it broke the wires, it screwed up the electrical components of my car, so now my interior lights don't work, my turn signals are acting really funny, and I can't roll my windows down or open my sunroof.  We've had 80 degree weather the past two days, and I can't use my sunroof.  That's just wrong.

Anyway, life is pretty good.  I had a really bad week last week, mainly b/c of the car incident, but God's really working on my heart.  I need to give over circumstances to Him instead of just doing whatever I want to do and whining when things don't turn out my way.

Anyways, that's an update on me.  Till next time...whenver that is.

Setbacked again, still not stopping.

 I don't update on xanga much anymore.  Sorry for that.  I think I'm phasing it out.  Facebook is just taking over.  There's no use saying it's not.  At least for me.

But here's an attempt at an entry for you.

One of the biggest things I've decided to do with this year is finally get my book ready to be seen, and then to send it off to people.  Well, I procrastinated a bit at the beginning, and really, it is only 1/4/09, but I wanted to go ahead and get a good start on things yesterday.  I haven't looked at my book in months. 

Apparently, the file is too big to be read on my roommate's computer.  I'm really not sure what the problem is, but I'm hoping to be able to get it to come up on a computer at the Seminary's computer lab sometime this week...maybe tomorrow.  Then I can maybe reconfigure some things that will make it easy to read on my roommate's lappy.  Then I can maybe get to work again.

Maybe.  *Shrug*

I had a rough time of things yesterday regarding this.  It's just that I've been working on and off on this thing for seven years.  A lot of that is laziness on my part, but a lot of it is setbacks that I didn't really have control over.  School got in the way, and I needed to go to school.  I know it was God's will for me to go to NGC and to graduate.  I know it was His will for me to go to Seminary for a few years, though I did not graduate.  Then, it seems, just as I am able to have time to write, I'm racing the clock trying to get the thing done before my computer breaks.  And now my computer is broken.  I can start it up with the startup software, so I can remove files, but I can't do anything with them on the computer.  It broked.

And recently my roommate's lappy, which was a hand-me-down and is a few years old and is NOT a Mac, so it doesn't have lastibility (I think I just invented a word), has been acting funny.  I don't think it's my roommate's lappy's fault that it couldn't read the ridiculously large word file that is my novel.  I wrote too much and used a really old version of Microsoft Word.  So it doesn't like it and throws a tantrum every time I try to load it.  That's not the big deal, though.  My roommate's lappy's screen is acting funny, and I fear the end is near for it.  Sometimes, when I boot it up, the screen just shows random patterns of horizontal lines that strobe up and down the screen.  And I have to restart it several times or leave it alone for a while to get it to act normally.  Other times, while I'm using it, the screen will dim and undim as I'm typing or whatever.  I fear it's not going to last. 

I need to eventually get a computer of my own.  A newer lappy, preferably.  I think it was my friend Holly who clued me into the website macofalltrades.com that sales refurbished used macs, but even on that site, a reasonable lappy would be around $500.  I don't have $500 lying around.  I could activate the credit card my bank sent me and put it on there, but I'm terrfied of debt.  I already have a huge $10,000 (give or take a bit) student loan debt, and I'll be paying off my car for about five years if I only make min. payments.  It's just...scary.  I don't want to get even deeper into debt.  I don't think that's a good idea.

It's a setback, I think, but one that I can work around without compromising on the going more into debt thing.  The Israelites got tired of waiting for Moses to come down from the mountain and tell them what God wanted, so they made their own god...a freakin' golden calf.  God nearly destroyed them for that.  The stiff-necked people wanted things in their timing, in their way. 

I've waited seven years for this, and after reading the first few paragraphs of my book before my roommate's lappy threw a tantrum and closed the file, I really know it's going to be even longer before I see anything good come of my dream.  But God gave me this dream.  Literally.  The novel idea came from a dream about a Dragon.  I knew when I woke up it was a really important dream, something God was saying to me.  And one day a story idea developed from it.  And it might suck or whatever, but I really believe this is something God has called me to do for His glory.  I didn't give myself any kind of talent.  I didn't just invent the idea for this book.  It's all God.  And Jehovah Jireh, unlike me, doesn't leave things unfinished.  Sometimes, it just takes a little time.  I want to slap a sticker on the thing and say, "2009 is the year!  The time is now!"  It may be.  It may not be. 

My "resolution" for lack of a better term, this year, is to do whatever I can to get my book presentable and then to actually present it.  I can only do what is in my power to do.  And the rest is out of my hands.  So no, I'm not going to build any golden calves and try to do it my way.  I'll get a laptop when I can afford one, or when one finds me through whatever.  Till then, I'll just try to finagle a way to get my book workable on my roommate's lappy, and I'll keep praying my roommate's lappy doesn't bite the dust.

...and another one gone, and another one gone, another one bites the dust.  Hey!  Gonna get you too!  Another one bites the dust...

...and another gets on, and another gets on, another one rides the bus!  Hey!  Gonna sit by you!  Another one rides the bus...

I'm random.  I like.

Possible Impossibles.

Sometimes I'm tempted to feel sorry for myself.  I'm tempted to think way too much about what others MIGHT be thinking.  It's far too important to me to be taken seriously.

But what really is there to be taken seriously?  I'm a fool.  Whatever anyone may or may not be thinking about me, it's not as bad as things really are.  Couldn't be.  Truth is covered up by the makeup I put on it.  The walls are whitewashed. 

I suppose it bothers me that what I sometimes assume people think about me is inncorrect.  I think they might be seeing vices where there are virtues.  But then, are my virtues even all that great?  Not so much.

Christmas.  It's about impossible things becoming possible. 

Elizabeth and Zacharias had prayed for a baby.  Gabriel said the Lord had heard their prayers.  They both knew they were too old.  Was Elizabeth still praying, knowing she was advanced in years?  Did people look down on her for hoping?  Did people think that there was some hidden sin in her life since she had not been given children? 

Mary claimed to be a pregnant virgin, a contradiction (in a time where there was no such thing as sperm donors, invitro, whatever).  Joseph believed she was a pregnant virgin too, after he had a weird dream.  He had a few other weird dreams, telling him to flee to Egypt, telling him to come back.  I wonder what people thought of him, and of Mary.  Didn't the pharisees and/or saducees accuse Jesus of being an illegitimate son? 

Kings saw a star in the sky and made this epic journey to find the One for whom it shone.  They had weird dreams too. 

The biggest thing in all of this though, the one that should knock us all off our feet and onto our knees is that possible impossible, when God came down here.  People misunderstood Him so much more than anyone else in history.

And with all He's done for me, I guess I don't have it so bad at all.  Not at all.